i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
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The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Boobs speak an international language.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
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We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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