Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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