my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
