Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
