I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
