Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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