just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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