I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
