I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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