just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
