I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
