Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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