seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
