I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
