Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
