I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
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How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
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I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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