Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
