Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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