that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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