my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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