I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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