I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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