come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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