We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
