I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
