I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
