I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
