it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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