I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
