so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
