my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
