Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
soo... how was my night?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
