I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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