I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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