I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
