i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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