I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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