dude i'm inner monologue high
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
