and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
