I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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