just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
