His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
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He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
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I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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