3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I faked an abortion last night.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i think my cat just said my name.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
