Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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