It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
