sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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