grandma shit on top of the toilet
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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