help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
