you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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