The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
