if you like me you must not know who I am
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
