Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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