I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Randomize
