I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
is that a dick in a sweater?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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