apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
